Adult Wrapper for a Kid Size Candy

So the other day I actually said to myself that maybe I was finally past everything. Then three things happened today and gave me my first panic attack in nearly a year. First off, I was alone with a man earlier today who makes me uncomfortable. He would be offended I keep saying so because truthfully he only approached the cutoff line entirely one time. I hadn't felt uncomfortable for a long time because I was never completely alone with him again until today. Short of the matter is he is sexually attracted to anything female, including me, and regardless of my relationship status.

Cut to an hour after dinner and I decided to go out on a quest for an over the counter antifungal liquid to use for an ear infection. It's apparently not commonly sold otc anymore because its secondary uses are better off with creams, smgh. So at the last store on my trip I see what looks like the man who raped me walking inside with a uniform on and I froze up. My fight or flight turned on and I couldn't move until I knew it would not be him. Strangely the real fella had just bagged my groceries last week while I had the husband with me. Once again, I guess the power of being in a pair overcomes a lot.

Now the drops I need come in a pre-made mix that requires a prescription BUT my regular doctor has already signed off on this going deaf thing. "Go see an ENT" is all he says. He also says that he doesn't do forms which has thrown a wrench into my paperwork for disability discharge. It's one page but they couldn't even do that right. Going to take a lot of pestering to get them to fill out a new copy. I might as well resign myself to debtors prison now before they drag my life under.

Of course, some people would say being in less than perfect health already is pretty far under... I would tell them to just enjoy the fall. So I happened to look up the list of ent doctors in my medical plan today. There's a practice not too far from me. My cat of course, decides it's our snuggle kangaroo time so she was pretty freaked out when I started hysterically weeping and grabbing at my chest. Heck one could have almost believed it was my pseudobulbar going off over some sound again. While the whatever side of my brain was doing its thing I was wondering why I was reacting so badly.

Sure the procedures they would do are a bit on the scarier unknown side but what is it that sets this off to 110%? Suddenly I realized it's probably the ten years I spent having ortho-facial surgeries including many complications. Probably the only one that didn't go wrong was my fully-awake wisdom teeth extraction and titanium implants. Now of course, being that its panic disorder my brain also said "oh hey, look they do surgery for facial and thyroid tumors". (Inner me was like 'HELL NO shut down that line of thinking right now son!')

It's really kind of a privilege that my current medical team has not seen me go full on hysterics with fear. Last time it happened was a procedure when I was 13 years old that they lied about. (I.e. I agreed to one thing, not another). I was screaming and shaking so hard that the people in the waiting room were disgusted and confused considering my age. Of course, thats also one of my 'dad's a hero' stories because knowing this was 100% not correct behavior for me and what the procedure we agreed to was...he wasn't having it. Thank heavens I got over my needle phobia! Now i do know that some nurses have seen it at stage one (belligerent and impatient) during my quest to get a neurological diagnosis. I apologize to them if they ever read this.

Meanwhile, it may take some psychological gymnastics to get me into an ent office. Especially, without pulling the good ole David Grant "just let me die" response when they want to do surgery or something crazy. Did I mention I've also been restrained against my will before? ...yeah so kid me is having none of that you-can-just-walk-out adult logic tonight.

Fandoms and Mental Health

So I am not sure if I mentioned it yet on blog but some months ago I was rushed by ambulance to the ER for a closed traumatic spine injury. Given no sign of trauma outside and my settling down after muscle relaxers/painkillers I was released pretty fast (i.e. cost cutting/triage not treatment). The next day I discovered it was a serious injury after scans were taken by the chiropractor. It was beyond what they could repair but also an injury that had previously "healed". So a few weeks on steroids, relaxers and painkillers I had to adjust my lifestyle now to fit my circumstances. No sitting and driving for more than a few minutes. In fact in the beginning I couldn't even use the bathroom. It got me well acquainted again with my television and I even treated myself to upgrading to an Xbox one since there was no end in sight to my bed rest.

At some point I fell into the idea of finally watching Anime and later reading manga. This is probably do to the fact that its a hobby my husband shares and he had been complaining that I don't interact with him and his hobbies. Much like how World of Warcraft went however I am now more interested in it than he is?!!?

Having a pension for shojou and romance like most girls however our tastes are not very overlapping. In fact I even investigated yaoi which when I was a teenager scared the crap out of me. As I recall I saw a copy of something random at a bookstore and practically dropped it in shock. I couldn't understand why girls wanted to see two men (lets be honest most are drawn as boys still). Of course, now that I am closer to understanding my being and able to reflect logically on it I can easily say that it's the dynamic roles and beautiful bodies that are a obvious draw.

There is quite a bit about my sexuality that it has made me think over though there are somethings that I would have trouble still putting into words. I would not want to become the poster child for example of some right-winger who is excited to finally find a person who was forced (i.e. groomed) to be gay. Having not had that experience I may not have then identified myself as bisexual but deep down I know I would still have had the potential to be one. In some ways that's why I support people who prefer to use no labels or make-up even broader ones so that people are not boxed in.

Beta-zoid Blockers and the Lonely Hearted

Its funny sometimes the warnings they give about drug side effects. It can be a reminder that one is human like everyone else or that one is also unique. I've acquired a new medicine for my heart which as a beta blocker is supposed to cause nightmares and night terrors. Ironically it seems to have evened out my sleep and turned psychological over stimulation into more abstract storytelling.

Indeed during my short stay in the local hospital at the end of January I actually had a sleep paralysis event while fading in and out on the gurney. I was pleasantly surprised when the real nurse woke me up since the dream doctor I had been talking to was telling me I was having a heart attack. It had been like that for some nights now prior to my actual and apparently snowballing cardiac event. So they did their due diligence and checked me for PE's, clots and heart failure. Once again it came down to sinus tachycardia but this time is was persistent and not episodic. Speaking of due diligence they were even kind enough to provide a breathing treatment when I mentioned I had recently finished a cold. To make the event more fun my heart rate would decrease temporarily if I was laying down on my left side. Because God forbid anything that happens with me be cut and dry.

The sleep paralysis is rather annoying because I have been getting the waking kind where I believe I've been released from dreaming already and then WAM! something super scary happens. I have already asked my husband to wake me if he hears high pitched whistles or rapid groans from me which indicates an event. He's just not on top of that sort of thing which makes sense since my family is known for having Somniloquy. Waking me up under normal circumstances often leads to a battery of cuss words and comments from my unconscious self.

More scary than being trapped in a deadly situation (real or imagined) is that I received my SSI review paperwork. I immediately filled it out and sent it off though I did repeatedly misunderstand one of the fill-in categories. A bit odd to ask what treatment you get but then say not to describe tests, procedures or medications... Regardless I am worried that I don't understand still quite why they so easily approved me. I worry that I left some data out or the fact that I don't currently have a new neurologist will hurt me. I am still annoyed that the physician assistant I saw at the second office wouldn't listen about my closed spinal injury. Truthfully I don't quite understand it myself as to whether it is a disease process in my lumbar region or just a bone/cartilage injury that isn't healing.

Constantly lately I have also been a bit obsessive with worry on any stressful topic. So now I have thoughts of  "Did I include the right data?", "Will my lack of new neurology records affect my case?", "Might my doctors not support a disability claim because they see me for individual diseases?", "Do I seem too active because of my social media accounts?". I can only know personally that when I have good days I can get a lot done and when I am symptomatic I cannot accomplish anything and require a caregiver. My entire family knows I exaggerate my activeness on social media barely able to scrape together photos of me outside of my home. My issues with pain are also still not addressed by anyone which as I said about my spinal problem means I should get a lumbar MRI. Right now I also have a painful rash that is persisting as well and unresponsive to fungal medicines. Even my asthma medicine seems less effective. I just hope when I can get it biopsied that it may help in providing an umbrella diagnosis. I hate being bits and pieces.

Does it have to be so interactive?

It's a bit weird because I am curbing my impulse to write a instant message to my sister by instead posting an update in this diary blog. She has finally taken the plunge into college enrollment and I don't want to let my blue mood interrupt that. As you can see I've recently watched the film "Inside Out" and while I raged over the imbecility nay the arrogance/narcissim of the character Joy, Sadness had some wonderful one liners and jokes.

One of my favorites comes when she first plops down on her face saying that she needs a few moments....or hours to just be blue. The sluggishness is quite right of those who face real clinical depression not just the situational blues of life based events. Lately I've been having non-circadian rhythm again which is hell on my body's healing and system regulation. The change to daylight savings seemed to have helped and I had a few days where it seemed my schedule normalized but then bam!, it's back to some weird 3/5/8 combination spread out over 72 hours and never in the right order. That loses a lot of productive time during daylight and of course makes it hard to remember what day it is.

Another thing poor sleep does is often trigger neurological symptoms. The otherday I got a strange feeling of my mind kind of floating inside my skull loose that I might burst into vertigo at any moment. At the sametime my legs have been feeling wooden or like lead upon wakening. Very bad signs. However there is some direction to this process. Keeping bad awake hours also affects when I take my medicine. Not taking my pills on schedule causes severe thyroid flares and intestinal distress as well as blood sugar problems. Having passed two episodes of that in September and October I wouldn't want it to happen again.

So the first and most important thing is making sure at least my thyroid medicine is on time which I have managed. The later mid day pills can be more flexible between 11am and 2pm. Being weak from either sleep sickness or not enough is also confusing. While making a morning snack the otherday my hands got weak and tingly as well as my vision getting crosseyed. I didn't know if I needed to sleep or stay awake for it to resolve. Eating helped and I ended up sleeping.

The latest thing to settle is my fluids. I've had salt cravings for which I bought sunflower seeds that really helped and were fun to eat. Salt however wasn't the problem in fact it's probably really a issue of electrolytes and water. This is the time of year I usually get IV treatment and an ER visit both providing one or two large bags of fluid. I can say though investing in a new water bottle and purifier really has helped increase my intake. Yet tonight I have small leg cramps so I can definitely tell it's a fluid thing.

Only in Sad Holonovels...

There is some acceptance to being chronically ill or disabled. I even took a course on it during my associate program. The Sick Role is a sort of contract or stage part that we ill folk agree to play. It also comes with complications however in that it pollutes our lives and can overwhelm family. Right at the end of winter I came down with a bad cold. It lasted longer than usual and after the nasal problems cleared up I still had a cough.

Urgent care seemed to think I was contagious as you can see from my awesome mask couture. Honestly the coughing was more a problem because of my incontinence. My underwear drawer will never be the same. I had a partner in crime at least since my sister got pink eye again. With no phlem coming up they gave me a numbing agent for the lower lung and a strong cough syrup.

I thought it was working until one night I could not breathe. Heather talked me through the worst of a asthma attack and I vomited up a lot of liquid from my lungs. The next day the fiancee was willing to take me to the PCP who of course was out of the office. From there I landed in overnight care at Beaumont hospital in Grosse Pointe. The process was slow but I was informed later that my vitals were taken twice because they were unbelievable.

The workup included a lung xray, breathing treatment, CT with dye and eventually a cardio workup. What was odd was their avoidance of testing my urine sample. Mind you I know I was severely dehydrated since the first sample was practically tobacco color. After a night on oxygen and prodding and poking they agreed it must have been allergic asthma which especially hits hard those with a weakened immune system. That means steroids and some antibiotics for good measure which I just finished today.

I also made some major changes at home. A new air filter for one and some much needed cleaning. The fiancee got us a water purifier which I have been using round the clock. With the exception of all natural juices I have cut every thing but water out of my life. I can't help but think however with all the food aspirations I had a few days before the hospital stay that perhaps this problem is just as much to do with my GERD diagnosis as anything else. There seems to be a circular patch of my throat which catches and spasms from some sort of irritation now. Much like a valve can't close and is letting liquid in other places. I have yet to schedule my PCP followup since he is out of state but I'll have to take care of this.

Breathing, talking and swallowing problems are definitely NOT something I am prepared to just get used to living with. Hopefully we can adjust my GERD medicine since in all honesty I stopped taking it 75% of the time. Between the insurance and a hospital changing the drug type it unfortunately left my dosage somewhere in between the recommendation for either. I must say I liked the hospital version because it left a funny mint taste on an empty stomach. It also didn't give me stomach rot, a term I use for too low a blend of bile and acids to digest food without pain. One change is how I take my thyroid medication now, 6am rise and then back to bed until at least 10am for the rest of my medication. It does seem more effective now.