Cut to an hour after dinner and I decided to go out on a quest for an over the counter antifungal liquid to use for an ear infection. It's apparently not commonly sold otc anymore because its secondary uses are better off with creams, smgh. So at the last store on my trip I see what looks like the man who raped me walking inside with a uniform on and I froze up. My fight or flight turned on and I couldn't move until I knew it would not be him. Strangely the real fella had just bagged my groceries last week while I had the husband with me. Once again, I guess the power of being in a pair overcomes a lot.
Now the drops I need come in a pre-made mix that requires a prescription BUT my regular doctor has already signed off on this going deaf thing. "Go see an ENT" is all he says. He also says that he doesn't do forms which has thrown a wrench into my paperwork for disability discharge. It's one page but they couldn't even do that right. Going to take a lot of pestering to get them to fill out a new copy. I might as well resign myself to debtors prison now before they drag my life under.
Of course, some people would say being in less than perfect health already is pretty far under... I would tell them to just enjoy the fall. So I happened to look up the list of ent doctors in my medical plan today. There's a practice not too far from me. My cat of course, decides it's our snuggle kangaroo time so she was pretty freaked out when I started hysterically weeping and grabbing at my chest. Heck one could have almost believed it was my pseudobulbar going off over some sound again. While the whatever side of my brain was doing its thing I was wondering why I was reacting so badly.
Sure the procedures they would do are a bit on the scarier unknown side but what is it that sets this off to 110%? Suddenly I realized it's probably the ten years I spent having ortho-facial surgeries including many complications. Probably the only one that didn't go wrong was my fully-awake wisdom teeth extraction and titanium implants. Now of course, being that its panic disorder my brain also said "oh hey, look they do surgery for facial and thyroid tumors". (Inner me was like 'HELL NO shut down that line of thinking right now son!')
It's really kind of a privilege that my current medical team has not seen me go full on hysterics with fear. Last time it happened was a procedure when I was 13 years old that they lied about. (I.e. I agreed to one thing, not another). I was screaming and shaking so hard that the people in the waiting room were disgusted and confused considering my age. Of course, thats also one of my 'dad's a hero' stories because knowing this was 100% not correct behavior for me and what the procedure we agreed to was...he wasn't having it. Thank heavens I got over my needle phobia! Now i do know that some nurses have seen it at stage one (belligerent and impatient) during my quest to get a neurological diagnosis. I apologize to them if they ever read this.
Meanwhile, it may take some psychological gymnastics to get me into an ent office. Especially, without pulling the good ole David Grant "just let me die" response when they want to do surgery or something crazy. Did I mention I've also been restrained against my will before? ...yeah so kid me is having none of that you-can-just-walk-out adult logic tonight.