Some Other Quadrant

My EEG went well I think. It was the same technician who had done my evoked potentials two years ago. At the end of July I will be returning to find if there was any epileptic activity. I am also getting closer to my next appointment with the hematologist. The headaches have been back though I had a very heavy Iron rich meal that I think may have helped hold off the dizziness. Yesterday my mother had a major victory by getting me across the border to a family event. While others expect me to find comfort in this and I must admit I wasn't anything but to hot at the time, on review all I can think about is how much I looked alien.

To settle finally the issue of their mutual grave my father met us up at the cemetery office to hand over his portion to me. We were so much like two peas in a pod talking genealogy and computers, Dad and I. Mom even mentioned it is eerie how I laugh exactly like him. Even my enhanced diver's license picture gave her a start when she pulled it out saying from a distance it looks like a image of my father. I admire a lot about my father much to the ire of my sister and mum who see the same things as his flaws. Strange to think that I can't stand in a group of Grant family anymore. I'm sure mum cries just as easily when someone from her childhood of Jones passes on.

Speaking of settling, my MRI had remained the same according to my doctor. Still three white matter brain lesions. They also appreciated the video of my dystonic attack though it didn't reveal anything new diagnostically. My blood titters were positive for c-ANCA. That is associated with Vasculitis which on itself is a cluster of diseases. Something I mentioned in the last posts is if I was better would I change my life back in some ways? I certainly the hell would not! Forward is the only direction I need to go. Something Heather mentioned to me recently because of upsetting comments others had given me was "you are what you love, not what loves you". It points to the idea that disagreements between family should not invalidate your feelings or choices.

Something I don't want to do this week is vent further on the exacerbating comments my family has been making towards me. As I brought up in a good conversation with my mom yesterday while driving home, everyone's chief complaint is my "mercenary" methods. Ultimately I serve my self interest and safety above everything else. In the case of my current recurring illness this has lead some to think I am not doing enough to keep living and happy. On the contrary, by not bending to their expectations and neediness I've made myself quite happy. I am a person of distance in many ways. I communicate best in letters and love things more when I am remembering fondly. The irony to this is I do miss travel. That was something my mom and I did even if it was just to Ohio. To further complicate my mercenary nature I am also extremely partnership oriented. Everything I want to and am willing to do is with my partner, Ryan. That just seems to drive everyone bonkers because they wouldn't care if he jumped off a cliff. As a child this didn't work against me because I would focus on the partnership of whoever I was with. Nowadays I seem uninvolved which is true but no one wants to believe that I simply don't crave the interaction they do. My mom is perhaps the most honestly aware of my discomfort in these situations. I like my slow moving, quiet life I've cut out here in Michigan. Occasionally, I feel like the only one not wearing blinders who has seen into another galaxy they simply don't care to know.