Despite this my mind flipped right back into my better life. I am once again having the waffling sensation about my educational path. I still do not want to let go of social work. Some of this feeling came from a email I tried to send to a clinical social worker I once interviewed. Explaining how I left the field behind and trying to sound like I was okay with it brought up a lot of emotions. I guess it wouldn't matter to me if I felt like I was trading up on a professional level. That is to say taking another avenue to stay in the social sciences like counseling. I am also confused about the debate of further graduate work: second master's or doctorate, maybe just a certification? The irony is that with all the services librarian's have as a specialty there may well be one that resembles social work. It's also not fair to imply here that librarianship is trading down, it's not, but it is in a different paradigm then my original goal.
Perhaps the only reason I am hung up on this is that the choice was made for me not by me. Then again didn't I make the choice? I knew in the last semester before selecting a place to transfer for a bachelor's I would either have to work harder than other students or change my angle. It was my choice to change my angle. On the good front I've got straight A's for the first week of graduate school in education. I also came across two more jobs that I might qualify for, i.e. academic advisor. I truly miss my community college which is ironic in the sense that I wanted to work there. However I believe its more about wanting to relive the best years with most possibilities. The reason I took up to an email to that old social work clinician was because my roomate and brother in law is in need of a internship/practicum. It is right where I left off in my social work career. Perhaps I might feel fulfilled if I returned to Macomb with my bachelor's credits in order to complete the social work degree. That notion is of course ridiculous since I already have two associates.
What if they solve my disease tomorrow and can even reverse some of the damage? Would I still be satisfied with what I've chosen or would I want to return to social work? It could well break up my relationship. My guy hates how much energy I put into advocacy especially when the stress of it exacerbates my sickness. Learning the limits of my end of the clinician/consumer relationship was something that got addressed in my coursework especially since it is a major cause of burnout. In regards to my current education I am also learning the difference between the work ethic and philosophy of teachers focused on children versus adults. I find primary and secondary teachers quite intimidating, especially those with 30+ years experience. The relationship of educator to student is much more contractual in post secondary which is my focus. It's frightening to think I'm already at my master's and still have so many decisions left to make.