Alternate Timelines or Reruns?

Its come to that time again where I suddenly am doubting what is wrong with me. This time I think it is prompted both by hearing my roommates cousin is accused of faking his possible ALS by his sister and the fact that I received a copy of my recent MRI. The idea that someone could accuse a person in a walker if not wheel chair who requires assisted living of making up his symptoms is appalling. It makes me worry about how others see me. I am trying to function as close to normal as possible without inflicting an episode on myself. I have been warned before that patients shouldn't see their imaging because they often jump to conclusions over shadows or lack there of. I do not see my lesions any longer on the film. That means it took them at least 3 years to heal.

Last night was another bought of sudden food allergy. Its a good reminder I guess that I can't just view my neurological and hematology symptoms as the singular disability. In fact it occurred to me to look through the auto-acceptance conditions for SSA. Liver disease is one of them. I've already been told mine is the progressive form though in the early possible reversible stage. That is to say it could become stagnant but not improve. It would be the same as treating the bone problems in my feet which will eventually make it impossible for me to walk without pain. You can only keep it from getting worse.

I have yet to schedule with the rheumatology specialist. I had waited to finish at the opthalmologist first. My lack of social grace if not enthusiasm is drawing some critique again because I don't want to go to a cousin in law's first baby's birthday. I already had two painful dinners with my parents to celebrate the holidays and my graduation. As usual I am too preoccupied to enjoy the event because of nausea and panic. Happily the winter heating season is at least coming to an end so I won't have to worry about running outside in tears and considering ripping off my clothes to relive the temperature sickness.

Perhaps this is just as it has been in the past with my off-year from a flare up causing doubt. I do have my medical findings CD at least from my SSI case at least. I found it hidden in a cardboard envelope that I thought was a safe place during the move last year. Everything is of course blacked out and still has the warning of liability attached to it. I am sure one of two events prompts that action, either mistreatment causing the flare or perhaps misdiagnosis after. I could care less with the exception of wondering why I got disability so easily. My sisters three year review seems to have passed silently. I believe mine is coming either end of this year or perhaps 2015. Graduate school begins within a few weeks. I hope I am not fooling myself about my competency. There is the realization however that I may not truly get to work again but I have to try, don't I?