You know its probably a bad thing to try and blog when your hands are shaking in anger. I think however in this case its probably the best way to responsibly vent given the fact that I have guests in my home. I have a sister in law, under 21 even, who is apparently baby crazy. Interestingly enough the same question of "why aren't you pregnant?" never comes out of her sisters mouth. Yet once again I am barraged with her need to have a baby without responsibility. The question itself is insulting as it implies something wrong with me but the worst possible thing my partner could do is tell his extended family it is entirely my fault...I don't work.
If only to set the record straight here that is not only a hurtful thing to have people believe but it is also untrue. I work just fine if it wasn't for my tendency to create ovarian cysts. Catch me on a day without those and we'd most likely have twins, something that runs in my family. It has never been about me not being able to have children it has always been a obstacle to conception itself. As I am seeing a new gynecologist this week maybe it is a good timing to review what I want out of all this. I was actually upset with the previous doctor for not providing me a hormone treatment method which didn't prevent pregnancy.
As for raising a child they are only a baby for so long which is something I would look forward too. I am in no way baby crazy though I do have a strange need to pass on a genetic legacy. I was planning on having three children two birthed and one adopted. Of course life doesn't let you plan that well. I did already have a pregnancy scare, for lack of a better term, that I didn't share fully with my partner. His health gets in the way of a sex life as much as mine does. Out of anger I was tempted to march out in my living room and proclaim that but making myself look as uncomfortable and neurotic as I feel around these people would be unhelpful. Truth be told I would say the issue is 50/50 between my timing issue and his health and or fears about supporting a family.
Our last conversation about children ended with him admitting he doesn't need them to be happy and would just as much prefer our cat. Why not answer your sister with that truth. I can only imagine him going so far to place the blame on me probably means that he has some fears of his ego being bruised by the belief that he is infertile. After all behind money and career a man judges his masculinity through his family. How does a woman judge her worth? My mother would hope I do it through career and money myself yet faced with the question "why aren't you pregnant?" I can't help but feel I am lacking in a major way. The issue of adoption is also complex because my partner has a criminal record, even if only slight and situational. Overall my partner has avoided pregnancy because he has this false belief that children will be happier if we make sure they have every opportunity we missed; higher income, education and stable home. None of that is important except in the way it affects directly the psychological/emotional climate of the home and of course physical necessity. The irony is perhaps my graduate work will lead me to a point I am more comfortable finally taking the plunge and having a child.
