Knock, Knock. Whose there? Autism.

My defiant streak during the last Reddit CEO overhaul led to myself joining a few more commenter groups. One of those was a female autism group. Some of the recourse has been "what is the ultimate goal of diagnosis or treatment?". Those with Asperger's seem to believe that the relief of unmasking should be their goal. One of my last breakthroughs from therapy is that so much of my language expression is pulled from imitation. Its a bit embarrassing to admit that I sat down one day did my wail and screech of joy only to realize I was quoting famous sesame street characters. 

I am still in the stage of self doubt however about "am I neurotypical, for this reason or that?" So I understand I have these echolalic expressions, but what about social responses. I mean I hate the grocery store because I don't want to look at faces and to get around that I smile like I'm still a store clerk to avoid holding eye contact. Yet, how do I know when I'm not masking?

One of the answers to this on my forum was that "its who you are when no one is around" but that doesn't completely solve my problem because I am anxious about rejection and negative feedback from others. Even alone I will worry about upsetting the people in my house and I know they are already weirded out by my habits. Think depression sloth or goblin gf... 

Today however, I finally had an actionable representation of mask on/off. Someone pushed there cart into me at and Aldi waiting in line and just kept doing it. Like we are talking right on my ankles and against my ass. The non-masking me was my original response of "I can't believe they are doing this...its a major social crime and everyone can see it. Punishment must be issued." Of course, when they saw there mistake and said a measly 'oh sorry' my mask slid right on. I've never felt it come on I just knew I could handle some situations better than some of my family. They call it my ability to either be mercenary or fill up the room with bullshit.

So masking me, turned it into a joke and gave them a acceptable reason why they made that mistake with a joke that encouraged them to "be happy with themselves". "Its okay you must have found something good to distract you. Share your wonderful time with me so we can be friends". Honestly, the level of main character barf it takes to so easily buy that but of course some people really are forgiving. 

I always thought I must be a pushover because according to my therapist (who I have been seeing for half a year), I am a people pleaser but my justice sense seems way to high for that to be true. If we were putting me on a alignment chart I am 50/50 with chaotic and lawful neutral. On a side note, it might be a fun quest to find out the mbti of which sesame street characters I imitate most. But yeah feeling the mask slide into place in order to keep the peace was a palpable feeling. Its the off and relaxed part I seem to have more trouble with. I know some of it is my perverse joy in responding "no" every time my husband asks for a a simple task. I never got to choose participation as a kid or set hard boundaries. Me giggling thankfully doesn't annoy the pants of him.

I have also done official screenings which are available for autism. Specifically, I believe it was audhd that was among the list of things that social security third party reviewer suspected. (One of my first cousins was recently diagnosed as well which is what got me looking besides tiktok). However, those high results also correlate with traumatic brain injuries and a certain manifestation of ocd. Something I intended the psychiatry services at my center to be able to test but they only are capable of treating mood disorders. I am still pissed they gave me a lazy working diagnosis of bipolar II and a medicine that is toxic to heart patients. 

For some reason I haven't told my therapist about the new heart diagnosis, pots. I think I feel confused and guilty that it came so quickly after just one visit. Of course, he had 5 years of repeat testing to review. Then again he also didn't tell me which subtype in order to further tailor treatment. So in a weird way it was instantaneous diagnosis but also overlooked for so many years.

What should I even feel about that?