So the actual day of my "independent exam" has passed and one would think that would give relief. Instead I am enraged about change, inconsistency and the unknown. I am not doing well mentally which tempts me to request a appointment at the new psych place before my disability review is even done. Getting essentially blank pages however, I am not sure would help when I rather tend to believe that the government is against me. Or it would be more accurate to say they are against spenditures.
I am spinning out between wanting to just stop existing now and actually taking a peek at job listings. There are so many opportunities for having fucked myself at this interview. I have a feeling still having my drivers license might even be used against me. I felt absolute shame when I looked at my old proud list of specialists cross referenced with diagnoses and treatment plans only to realize that I only see three of them anymore. To be fair, some were temporary stops and that relationship wasn't meant to last anyway.
My dumbass has always made it a big deal about 'not being suicidal' and that I only really had that feeling during the blood poisoning incident. While it did take almost a year for that to heal up and wear off I don't feel posioned right now. Turns out at least as far as up to date mental health practitioners feel, its the same thing. The wanting to disappear now before the agony and suffering of myself or those around me is called 'passive suicidal thoughts'.
Poor nice fella at my review I don't think understood that even if I factually understand he doesn't come into this opera with malice...I know the next steps of what happens once my disability is turned off. My house becomes unstable, the car is lost, I go under in debt and maybe slower than I think we lose our home. There is also of course the SMALL problem of losing all of my medical care. I have technically thought about this before that there are really only two of my meds I will die without. Not having them would make me a piece of glass on the edge of a wire. Won't matter what knocks me down or where I fall, I will crash.
Lord I was so irritated by the changes of the office structure that I don't think I even sounded like myself in that exam. If I am being watched at all times then why are we cornered off? where is the camera then? Why is the floor not swept? why are people happy and loud? Jesus christ, I smiled and laughed at random things but I wanted to strangle everyone by the time I was out of there. Who didn't put the objects back front and center where they belong?
Having had to find dates in my medical files for a personal project doesn't help either since I saw how little information doctors have been writing down about my ER visits. That created an interesting data thread though. From what little I could find together, I seem to be on some sort of 2-3year trend of sudden depression and cognitive function. I am still not thrilled about needed mandatory therapy and drugging when I come out the otherside of this. Yet, working was originally my dream at one time. Now its a nightmare cause I know the pain and failure of my mind and body.
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