You know its been six years since I was raped by a significant other leading to the end of our imbalanced relationship. It wasn't until last year that I had told anyone except for my sister. Tonight I find myself in tears after my Fiancee and I have had yet another unnecessary fight. I can't help but wonder how I can even be bothered by our disagreements about gas usage and who pays for dinner compared to what happened with the man before him.
I've told my guy of course, but I don't think he can fully absorb it without imploding himself. It is only recently after having survived withdrawal from the benzodiazepines that I have begun talking about it freely. Our roommate, his cousin, is studying counseling psychology and it is through the conversations I've had with him that the event has become clearer and easier to understand. In fact the farther I am away from it the more clearly I see the other forms of abuse that were happening.
It had happened during the years I was just becoming ill from my gastrointestinal diseases. I had been up all night vomiting and spinning in place along with large stints on the toilet passing nothing recognizable. I called my boyfriend at the time and told him not to come over the next day as I would probably need sleep if not a hospital visit. As I found out you can't say no to a sex addict. He waited until my father had gone to work and came in through a sliding door. From there it must have been simple to undress me like a doll because I had a 104 fever and couldn't maintain consciousness after being awake all night ill. I woke up after he was on top of me and tried to scream but kept blacking out. I was too weak from dehydration to move my arms and legs much. He held me down the entire time until he was done including covering my mouth when I did successfully scream. He didn't even bother to redress me before he walked out. Later that night he came back over with flowers and a takeout dinner. "I hope there wasn't any misunderstanding about earlier. You would have said yes anyway, if you were awake." That was possibly the most vile thing I had ever heard in my life but for a few months I believed him that it couldn't be rape because we were dating even if I said 'NO!' during my flashes of lucidity. The most damaging lie I've ever accepted. Our relationship only got more violent and nonsensical from there. My arms even had bruises for a few days but I refused to look at them. He had hit me once before in anger but I had dismissed it as an accident like any foolish girl. I was very lucky when he finally lost interest in me because I was simply used up. (There are more details I'm sure but I'm not sure I'm ready to remember them all.)
Partner rape is probably the hardest to understand for some people because relationships do have a sense of inherent intimacy to them. It is the maliciousness behind the act that changes its acceptability. In fact the cousin living with me has a hard time listening to my story because I didn't leave the relationship immediately. I can only say that I was to well trained by him to go running for the police. If you've lived with a abusive spouse or even studied the dynamics of abusive relationships you will know my reasons why.
Yet here I am six years later finally working through it while it ruins my state of mind and ability to love the man I'm with. My habit for one of white lies drives my fiancee crazy and he can't understand why I do it so commonly. It is because I am expecting the rod, the beating. Even if my current love would never do those things you can't teach old dogs new tricks especially those that have been abused. I am thankful however it was not all together more violent and during my years of shock it seems I have found a loving person to be with. So many things to work on in my life.
