I am rewriting over an old draft save that has since become obsolete. For a while now my hobbies shifted and while I had some emotional backlash to it I think it's become okay. Rather I must be at the age now where there's no use not understanding yourself. In the unfinished post I just went ahead and published as is, I mentioned thinking over my sexuality at the beginning of reading smut/yaoi/romance manga. Somehow I began writing again in the midst of this, mostly from pressured thoughts. That has moved into writing gay erotica, which is oddly comfortable.
It seems now that I fought it a little then let myself dive in it's become obvious that the issue is not in fact my sexuality but instead my gender identity. Except for self-exploration there is really not so much in knowing this now about myself. There have been as many signs and obvious facts about me having GID. Even in the womb I was supposed to be male twins, then after the ultrasound a boy. Rather when I was born a girl I still required a minor surgical intervention because though I had the parts they were sealed shut. The public more often insisted I was a boy, I played with boys, I refused to wear dresses...and I even went through a phase of peeing while standing like my father. I also had accidental exposure to high dose testosterone once.
I don't get along with women in general, I can tell that their brain is on a different frequency than mine, and our priorities have always been different. Even my instincts towards women have always been protective like a man's so that is probably why after I was abused I easily fell into the trap of a man substitute plenty of times. In a way this may also explain my relationship with my former boyfriend who chose to be gay. I was his male substitute as well. It was a year or two after I reconciled with him that I began looking into transsexualism and what it would take to transition.
Probably the clincher in all of this is that I have for awhile had memories/dreams of being a man and experienced a phantom penis while I was awake. I can feel the muscle attachment and the shaft but not the tip...obviously all my parts on inspection are female. Except for shame over my general attractiveness when I was young, I've never been attached to my breasts either. I've also never had any sexual satisfaction with a partner... (until the current one, bless his soul)
Yet strangely knowing all this about myself I don't feel like I am missing much. I have a dedicated partner who is a straight male. The body I have now pleases him and he makes me much more comfortable in my own skin. The possible outcomes of transitioning anyway in my case would be fairly poor as a Gay/bi f2m. It's really reassuring however to have found an article on the validity of these problems recently. It is said to be that over 68% of trans-men experience phantom penis even prior to any intervention. That is to say the cause is supposed to be form the earliest stages of development. Indeed it is the brains imprint of the body's architecture which is the cause.
Good thing Freud isn't alive because he would probably chock all my problems up to penis envy and some other perversion. He would definitely enjoy classifying any of my fetishes, the old perv. I am curious though at this stage how my brain may show a difference in sexual response. I've know for a while now that much of my enjoyment is blocked psychologically. Rather I view the categories of stimulus as conditioned or instinctual. Under this format I assume an MRI would show both gay/straight porn as instinctual and same-sex (ff) as conditioned. Certainly using gay porn as a "female" is strange to the rest of the world. Perhaps I am simply stuck between the urges my twin, if he existed, may have had and my own.
