Ugh, is the best I can say for how I am feeling today. I've had a decent amount of medical appointments all of a sudden including one for my SSI CDR. Unfortunately since I knew it was coming I let my self meander and research the process ahead of time. My "worker" seemed nice on the phone but I can't shake the feeling that I am being pushed into a corner in order to invalidate my benefits. At this point in my life if they took away the health insurance I would be left at the mercy of the local hospital systems and barring that probably die slowly from my heart condition.
So one can imagine that having an anxiety condition doesn't help either when knowing this. Apparently it is highly unusual for someone to be sent for a consultative exam during a routine CDR. Mind you its my first review ever and I did have new information to report. Some of the conflicting information I am seeing on the web is that "a CE during a CDR means your original disability is no longer approved", "they need to confirm a second qualifying condition" or "they are simply looking for you to be non compliant and it means nothing in itself". Obviously having more than one qualifying condition is something they would need to know to keep a correct viewpoint of my status.When I sent in the update I had at least four new conditions to report of which only two would be considered qualifying (on-top of my original approval list). My heart condition has taken me to an ER like five times this year so I would assume that has enough paperwork to appease them. I barely recall the exact way that the "worker" brought up the topic of having a CE, I wish I had gotten a firm answer from her on why it was necessary. The Mental Status exam could have gone much worse. It was embarrassingly close to my house yet I still found myself holding off a panic episode just over what this mystery appointment meant.
The consultant was actually quite funny and was able to calm me down. So the entire questionnaire lasted maybe 35-40 minutes. I think I surprised him however because when he was starting his goodbye speech I cut him off and said no I already had benefits... he had never heard of a CDR or at least had never been asked to consult for one. Hopefully telling him that did not screw up the entire process. I would think knowing someone has already passed muster once might have changed his opinion on at least two of the questions. ('Describe your disability'... "Which One?")
That is most certainly hyper-awareness and I would hope utter bunk to the reality of the world but who knows. The part of me that wants to look nice also wants to be thinner and therefore more able to get around. Yet underneath that is the inconsiderate, selfish and dangerous level of me that just go-go-goes because she never felt any consequences from it. One would think I am referring to drugs in this area but ironically substance abuse only happened in my life when I developed a narcotic dependency to legitimately prescribed medications. It's annoying in someways to know that I never really did anything to injure my own body but I see younger people and healthy people (like the consultant today) who don't know the feeling of a body they can no longer trust. I dare say having a body one couldn't use at all would still be worst then where I am.
Right now at least I feel depressed which I think is just a come down from how awful today was supposed to be, yet it wasn't.