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My actual issues of body image and relation to food are much more complex. I have Nighttime Eating Syndrome which is a subset of Binge-Eating Disorder and my main diagnosis is Bulimia-(Non Purging Type). Nausea is a main symptom of almost all of my chronic conditions so throwing up is just not something I want to experience, ever. This is in part to my difficulty already in swallowing food, something that's gotten worse since my Esophagogastroduodenoscopy in March of this year. I am aspirating small foods in about 1/5 meals though luckily they mostly get caught at the top of the throat where some strong coughs can excise them.
Eating disorders are not unknown in my family either. My entire nuclear subset are emotional eaters and yo-yo Weight Watchers. My father however was diagnosed with Binge Eating disorder by a therapist who also was treating him for major Depressive Disorder. The relationship ended when that therapist accused my father as using food to commit "publicly accepted suicide". It's not simply just that my dad was a over eater however it is more honest to say it is a food addiction. My father had in some aspects a horrible childhood and food was both a cure and a punishment depending on the situation.
In case your wondering why I'm talking about food, it came to a surprise to me as well that during my last few boughts of food sickness between Doctor visits I dropped about 20-30lbs. I find though that eating even appropriate meals after news like this gives me extreme shame and self loathing, as if a single drop means I will gain a pound. The more weight I go down especially those pounds that reward us with visual differences the harsher I become on myself. The best news this weight loss brings me is the fact that I am no longer in "urgent need" as the gastroenterologist put it of a gastric bypass. My liver however is now home to non-viral hepatitis.
Most would probably assume then that I should own up to that damage I caused myself but it simply didn't happen that way. I don't drink and I didn't over feed myself like a glutton. I was however lazy and as other health conditions pressured my breathing (cardiopulmonary diseases), restricted my movements (dystonia/inflamation) and stunted my hormone levels (Thyroid/sex hormones) I indulged the urge to slow down because activity became extremely painful. It was my duty to myself to find medical care or to ask my parents in the earlier years for help which I didn't do. That slowing down accelerated the weight gain which inevitably became self-enabling...weight upon weight despite my efforts. My sister just received the diagnosis of Diabetes 2 despite her efforts to control the insulin resistance. Now I have to work in reverse and number my problems. Each one eliminated or cared for increases my overall health and weight loss. I do find however that health in my body is not reflected in my mind as these eating disorders much like my agoraphobia come to the forefront. I've been putting those off since receiving my care but it is becoming ever obvious that I will need to address them soon.